A few months ago I decided to launch my concept Laugh@sh*t. Doing this in English, even though I live in Holland. It just felt like the right thing, even though my mind was saying what the hell are you thinking??? I was feeling, not thinking.
Due to Covid a lot of my contacts are in the UK, I am in a motivational group, completed a whole Sales education made a lot of friends, and this year became a founding member in a female entrepreneurs club. If I don’t talk English every day something is wrong.
The ball started rolling, and just before my launch a huge opportunity came along that I took without a blink of an eye. I had to move forward fast. At the same time this also brought a whole load of unexpected internal sh*t up.
I was just getting things on track finally after a very tough 1,5 year, I was happy, excited it all looked bright wooohooo let’s go! Suddenly it was as if I got hit with a hammer and got knocked out, WTF?! The light just went out and everything turned dark. As if I was broken, really nothing made sense anymore.
As I say on my website when you hit rock-bottom, congratulations! Have a pity-party first, get the tissues, ice cream, chocolate or whatever you think that will make you feel better, hang up balloons, and just sit with it… Let it just come out. Yeah right… In my case, this was one hell of a non-stop party, my mind was the DJ that kept scratching the records with beliefs and patterns, there was no tune in there, no melody and sure as hell I could not dance to it!
What the heck is going on?! How did I go from wooohoooo to…..?
Now wait a min… I recognize these symptoms…
People who know me, know that 6 years ago I was diagnosed with a severe depression. These symptoms were the same though I felt for sure it was not that.
So WTH is this then? And how can I fix this quickly, I need to get shit done!
I felt drained, exhausted, and I felt so much mental pain which came out without a clue where it came from or what it was. I had NO REASON to feel like this, so why do I feel it?
The only explanation the doctor had since there was not really anything wrong was that I had a lot of things on my plate, and maybe haven’t dealt with or processed some things yet.
She could give me anti-depressants. Hell no, that might have worked in the Matrix, but this is life not a movie. If my life was a movie it looks a lot more like Bridget Jones, I wished for 50 shades of grey but I can’t seem to find a Mr. Grey and now I was more in 50 shaded of black.
Damn, I was challenged on all levels of my business and personal life.
No such thing as coincidence, I came across an article. Now here it gets spooky…. As down to earth as I am, I am also openminded and have experience in spirituality. I am high sensitive and psychic, got some teaching in it, but this was way above my head. “Spiritual awakening” Are you freaking kidding me?! But this was the only thing making sense, and all the symptoms were right there. Seriously how did I get so lucky?
I thought I turned crazy, but no matter how spooky, bizarre or weird, I was in real pain and determined to solve it, even if that meant believing something I didn’t know about. I figured out there were a few triggers, a major life changing event, okay I had at least 3 of those and some kind of meeting with a well they seem to call it a twin flame. Bingo, I hit the jackpot! I just wish it was the dream salary from the lottery 2 months ago, I would know what to do with that, but this?
Oh my… The best project you will ever work on is yourself. I always say that to my clients too but Universe can you please give me a break here?! Did I ask for this when I came up with the name Laugh@Sh*t? This is more like the life style you ordered is out of stock but you know what here’s some more shit, see what you can make of that.
The down to earth translation…. My beliefs and patterns that my mind had been running all my life to keep me safe, and protecting me were no longer working, but at the same time the new ones were also not properly installed. If my mind was a computer then it just crashed. At the same time it could also be some PTSD as I am the person that keeps going and think okay it happened, get over it, don’t moan or be pathetic. How can I fix this as quick as possible?
I can tell you now there is no such thing as a “Quick fix”.
I wanted to get my business up and running, instead I was my own DIY project. It was like the new identity arrived but was bitching and fighting the old identity and that one was not willing to give up.
This is how I discovered how powerful your mindset really is. And you know what? Most things that are in your mind are fucking lies!
In a week I did over a 100 exercises on whatever inner work I could find that might help me. I went back inside myself and found out a lot of major crap that shaped my beliefs and patterns that subconsciously run my system and it went way back starting from a very young age.
I have never been able or allowed to express any negative feelings. It’s like what most people do, let’s swipe them under the carpet, so they are not there. Therefor I was not really being seen, and I sure as hell didn’t really see myself as I was suppressing everything that was kind of negative. I was rejecting it, so I was rejecting myself.
The universe answers in mysterious ways and yes quickly in this case. I was asked to take over and do a Facebook live in a motivational group with 6200 members! Talking about getting seen huh….
I decided even though still being in the middle of it to share it, who knows it would benefit someone. The response was awesome. And it was not just inspiring other people, it was healing me at the same time.
Meanwhile that internal “bitch fight” inside me kept going and they were really having a go at it. I was getting exhausted, I don’t even like fighting, instead of fighting try loving or compassion is more my kind of thing. The only exception was for myself.
Aha… so now I am getting somewhere… I have to love the things I don’t like about myself as well, and stop telling myself I need a “quick fix” or be better. Am I still doing that sh*t?! If I can love, accept or care for any other person just as how they are, why am I not doing that for myself?
As I am writing this the answer just pops right into my head.
I am sick and tired of the need to “fix” myself, hey I am not broken, the truth is no one is, and we never were. Our mind, society or whoever might manipulate and trick us into thinking so, but no one is ever broken, actually we are all perfect examples of being imperfect, and we should be proud of that, we should love and embrace ourselves with all that we’ve got.
I think by now I deserved that Fuck Up award, I fucked myself up long enough, I need to free myself from all the harm I’ve been doing to myself.
This doesn’t mean I am all good and over it now, no, I am still working on it. Getting this out in the open is making me vulnerable and I feel very uncomfortable doing it. But it shows I am no different than anyone else, only I refuse to keep wearing a mask so other people will think I am doing all so well, while at the same time I also have trouble keeping my sh*t together at some times. That makes me human. Only difference I stop hiding it. If I want people to be real with me, I need to set the example and be real myself first.
I thought what a waste of time I need to work on other things, but I have to adjust my mindset first to move forward to the next level.
The truth is while I was going through this the ducks have been lining up.
Last week Friday another opportunity came up which will be clear if I am in in the next few weeks.
Last Monday I said yes to the biggest most exciting opportunity which is definitely happening in December, if Covid does not put a spanner in the works. All I can say for now this is so big I never expected to ever come that far. Keep following me, as soon as I can put the word out I will.
Like I always say in every situation there is always something to learn, something to laugh about I start to come up with jokes about this, and something to be grateful for.
Thanks to the people who stood by me, who let me be me, who loved me, cared, and supported me all the way through, who never stopped believing in me even when I lost it myself, there are no words to express how much I appreciate that.
“Sometimes we are challenged, not to find our weaknesses, but to discover our strengths”