I will never forget the 31st of March 2010.
It was a drizzly grey day. It was almost easter the Thursday before “Good Friday” though there would be nothing good at it all, I felt numb.
I just got through my probationary period at work and then I already come up with such a drama? What would they think? That I am a bad employee? So I went to work first and stuttering I told them I had to go see a doctor, I felt bad to leave work.
Because it was an emergency appointment I had to go to another location, an even more gray building with a depressing atmosphere or was it just me? I went in alone with lead in my shoes.
I walked in for my appointment. There I sat in the waiting room on my own… The sterile smell gave me the creeps, and each beep as it was the next patient’s turn was freaking me out. Those minutes waiting felt like hours. With a lump in my throat and a broken voice knowing this would only confirm what I already knew. Was I sad? I couldn’t even tell. I was so filled with disappointment, guilt shame and self hate, do I really have to go through this? How is this happening, can’t I do something right?
I was called in. The gynecologist did some research. I heard her asking questions which I answered but it didn’t even get through. All I did was pray as hard as I could, hoping for a miracle that it wasn’t true that I was wrong, that my intuition was wrong.
Of course I wasn’t wrong, and she confirmed….. I had lost my baby. I was told I was lucky as there was probably no additional intervention needed, I would be fine as it looked. How is that even lucky?
Full of disbelief I got in my car, how am I going to tell this? My partner supposedly couldn’t come to the appointment, as usual there was always some bloody excuse, I was just used to it. So I had to call him…. He spoke with a gruff tonality that I knew so well. I could only whisper that I lost the baby and started to cry which I hardly ever did especially not with him as that would made things even worse. I don’t even remember any sense of feeling. All he said was he would come that night and it didn’t sound like that would be a night that we would process this… Again I was right.
Because I didn’t want my employers to suffer this was my problem I went back to work, and put it all aside no moaning, being pathetic, I shouldn’t pretend. Just put on a normal face as if nothing is going on.
After work I went to my parents. I saw the same disbelief in my dad’s eyes, I took it on as disappointment, though it was not in the way that I told myself. My dad just wanted to be a grandfather so much, it was not that I had disappointed him as if I failed even though I told myself that, it was just his wish that didn’t come true, though it took me years to realize that.
Later in the evening my partner arrived, so far for the I need to process this, all he said was, this was nothing, we can try again. This going to be a problem where you will moan about for months? I was silent and suddenly he says….. You know this is your fault right? My fault? How? He just went on and made me believe I might have killed my own baby. No one was to know about this. I am horrible, who would do that. His mother made it clear several times it was my fault that I lost my baby. Try again? HELL NO! Moan about it? I’d rather die than talk to him about it.
Saturday evenings where he’d play his guitar “Eric Clapton’s tears in Heaven”, there were times I wanted to grab that guitar and hit him on the head with it, it was like torture my heart was in so much pain.
At the same….. I finally came to my senses, am I out of my bloody mind?! 10 years I had been taking all this crap, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
This was a miracle in a painful disguise.
I was programmed for 10 years I didn’t deserve any better. I knew I had to get out of this relation, the only thing withholding me from it was fear, but when you are in so much pain you will eventually move.
It took me another 6 months before it finally came to an end.
People have been asking me how is that even a miracle in disguise? And you may wonder too. This is how I see it.
If that didn’t happen, I would have probably stayed in that situation that was killing me inside, made me loose my identity, I didn’t even knew who I was anymore.
If I wouldn’t have had the miscarriage but the relation would end anyway I would still be stuck with my ex-partner for the rest of my life, knowing it would always be a fight and struggle, as that’s his personality.
Instead I got a new chance, to take back control over my own life. To grow, learn, and figure out how I could become a better version of myself, for myself.
As you can imagine this was everything but easy.
I had to heal and forgive. It’s easy to stay angry and hurt, and I did that for quite a while. But here’s the thing. If you don’t heal what cut you, you will bleed on people that didn’t hurt you.
Besides, staying angry and hurt means that other people whose role in your life has ended keep having control over you. That is as if you let others live rent free in your head and heart. Resentment is heavy to carry around, and everything you are fighting with you cannot connect with.
Forgiving is not to say it’s okay, and you don’t do it for other people, you do it for yourself. For me this meant I do not let this make me bitter, I let this make me better.
Yesterday is gone, Tomorrow is not here yet, so all we have is today, and today is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present.
It’s not as if it never happened, I forget, that I don’t care, or that I never am sad about the loss, sometimes I am. But I am more grateful, as my life is now filled with different things that bring joy, I get to do things I couldn’t have done if this didn’t happen.
I am a strong believer that there is no coincidence, everything happens for a reason, even when we don’t know yet. We can only connect the dots afterwards. Life is happening for us, not against us, things that are meant to be will happen, for the right reason at the right time.
I hope by sharing my story I can inspire you. If you have any challenges maybe you can see them from a different angle, see what you can be grateful for in your situation? What can you learn? And what is in there that you can laugh about.
As I am putting these last words out, miraculously the radio starts playing….. Eric Clapton “Tears in Heaven”. And finally I listen and all I feel is love.
Now the song after is ZZ-Top with give me all your loving, I find it hilarious it makes me laugh. I have an idea what the Universe is trying to tell me…. I say Thank you, I am ready now….. PLEASE BRING IT ON!
Life is about Kicking-ass, not kissing it.